dear papa, will time heal this wound?

In the past week, people have asked me,  how are you doing? And my answer has been “I don’t know… I am just coasting”. It’s been a tough week, one filled with grief, anger, tears, doubts, what-ifs, questions, a display of strength,  and more tears. 

Today is the resurrection morning, and it hurts deeply because Zamzam is not here, why did he have to die though? He was only 9months. Yes, he’s free of pain but he could have also been here with us healed!!! that’s an option right papa. Healing was the outcome we prayed, praised, hoped, and believed for. 

This really hurts… how does one move on? Will the hurt ever end? Will the tears ever stop? What does healing look like? How does this reflect your nature? How is this a good gift? What lessons are you trying to teach us? How are we going to mend this trust broken with so many questions unanswered? 

This is definitely not what I thought my first dear papa would be… 

I thought it would be a love letter to you and not one filled with so much pain, heartbreak, and tears. Papa, you said you won’t give us more than we can bear, this kinda feels too much to bear though! The trauma, the emotional roller coaster, the anxiety, the uncontrollable tears, it’s a lot papa… I really wish I could say we move, but how does one move from this? 

Is this how much pain you felt when you gave Christ up for our sake? How did you deal with the pain? Or you didn’t feel anything? I can understand if you didn’t feel anything because you were trying to save the world through his death. Did it make it bearable because it was a purpose thing? 

Papa, you have taught me never to shy away from asking you questions no matter how difficult and not take the “you can’t question God” route that breeds resentment unknowingly against you. But Papa, why was this permitted? what’s the purpose? How would this hurt that has left a scar in my heart be healed?

I live with the confidence that there’s nothing that can separate me from your love. I am convinced your love triumphs over death and life troubles and there are no circumstances in my past, present, or future that can weaken this love. I have also heard time heals all wounds, but will time really heal this wound papa?